back on track

so i'm feeling much better. i guess i just had what holly golightly would call a case of the mean reds. that happens. but it's passed for now. and i know that my friends aren't going anywhere, and i know that my happiness is in my own hands, and blah blah blah. i bought a wedding planning book (though it is a year and some months away, i admit i have become slighlty obsessed) and it keeps mentioning all of theses things that the parents are supposed to do. i'm glad i'm not going for traditional, because if i was i would pretty much be screwed, what with having no mother or father of the bride around to fulfill their myriad duties. my stepmother M did say the sweetest thing the other day, though. she said that she would be glad to stand in as mother of the bride and help us with anything that we need. i'm glad she feels like the mother of the bride, that's how i like to think of her. at christmas she said that she felt like i was her daughter, that she and i relate to each other like mother and daughter, and it made me cry. i love her so much, and honestly, i don't know how i would get through this without her. she even reminds me of my mom- she's smart and strong and funny and just the slightest bit guarded. she's overwhelmingly independant, but still soft and vulnerable deep down. and she just oozes with intellectual curiousity. just like my mom. they aren't personality twins, but they're alike enough to feel comfortably familiar. and i need that now. i know my aunts will also swoop in to help with wedding duties. i know i will be covered. the part that makes me the saddest is the father-daughter dance. my dad was such an incredible dancer. he loved music as much as i do, actually both of my parents loved music, and i know that he would have been so proud to dance with me on my wedding day. and i would have been so proud to dance with him. i really hope my grandfather is still well enough to dance with me. he's quite the smoothie on the dance floor too, but at 90+ years old, he may not be up to it. i do need to stop with the wedding obsessing. i basically have the whole thing planned and i still have 18 months to go. well, they say you can never be too prepared...