generalities..or not

boy, well i don't want this thing to become too somber, the whole point was that it was done with a sense of humour...but those things can't be forced ("hey, did you hear the one about the 29 year old orphan?")...and why am i feeling self-concious about writing in a place that i created just to talk about things that i feel too self-concious to talk about in general company...and i guess, really, the joking thing is usually done for the benefit (or to induce the discomfort) of other people anyway, and here is a place where no one has to be, where people come by choice...so fuck it. i'm not worrying. (yeah right) but there are other things in my life besides my dead parents, i mean they do cross my mind every day, but not always in a sad way. lately more sad than usual though. i am getting married next summer, and that is an incredibly happy thing. but god does it make me miss my parents. last night J (my boyfriend, well, my fiancee but i hate that word) and i were talking about music for the reception, and we came to the subject of the parents dance and he asked me who i wanted to represent my parents. we decided on both of my stepmothers and my grandfather, but it was just so weird. who do i want to represent my parents? well my parents, goddamnit! my father was an incredible dancer. and my mother loved to plan a party. they should be there. i should dance with my dad on my wedding day, he should walk me down the aisle. my mother should be there wearing a "mother of the bride" dress and hovering over the caterers. this makes me angry, this makes me furious, that they, who have the most right, do not get to come to my wedding. i am honoring my mother, i'm carrying daises, her favorite flower. i am honoring my father; the ceremony and the reception will both take place on my grandparent's farm, his favorite place on earth. but that's not good enough. i want them there! it's my wedding and i want them there!! yeah, i guess i do have some anger issues. i have never been one to express it well in the moment. i tend to repress, to silently seethe and then yell and scream and cry once i am safely alone (or in my car, because that feels like alone).i should talk to my therapist about that (if i ever go back to her).