blue on ice

tonight feels blue, deep dark blue, like not quite blackness but almost. i don't know what brought it on, maybe hormones, maybe the clausterphobic weather, maybe the fact that tonight i watched a show about a woman going to her mother's funeral- no, maybe it's that i watched it twice (stupid, stupid girl!). i just sat in the shower, yes SAT in the shower, how pathtic is that. but i don't know, i just feel like my mind is a blender full of garbage tonight, just the really bad, old, smelly stuff. maybe it's just this time of year, right between my dead father's birthday and my dead mother's birthday and the day my mother died. i'm sure i sound like the world's biggest baby, how can i still be using the dead parent thing as an excuse, hasn't it been long enough? i mean jesus christ it's been nine years (or eighteen months), so why the out of no where blue streaks? what's with the unexplained midnight pity parties and the sitting in the shower bullshit? i guess i am realizing things about myself lately, things that make me feel even more alone than usual and even weaker. why do i constantly push people away or hold them at arm's length? what am i so goddamned afraid of? well, that's easy, i've got textbook abandonment issues, but i wish i would just get over it already, because i'm tired of feeling so damned self-isolated. take my friends, i have some wonderful friends, old friends, wonderful people who i have known for most of my life and who have always been there for me when the going got really rough. but i have neglected them, they hardly even know me now, i have let them go to seed. i never call, i never email, i never visit, and now i feel like a phoney for trying to reconnect. i feel like it's too late, like i have waited too long, like i don't have a right to try and waltz back into the picture because i'll probably just fuck it up again, stop calling, stop writing, stop being a friend. and yet, i know that is all just an excuse. the truth is, i am afraid to reconnect because i am afraid i will be rejected, i'm afraid i will knock and find no one i home, or at least no one who is interested in answering the door. in my fucked up mind, it's better to let people drift away or to take them for granted than to stay close and risk losing them completely and suddenly. and now, here i am in love with a wonderful man, and now i'm really screwed because i DID let him in, i did let myself get close to him, i have learned to depend on him and what the hell will i do if he ever goes away? every time he's running five minutes late i imagine horrible car accidents, bloody muggings, and every other variety of unreasonable death. i have stuffed in my grief for my parent's to the degree that i can't even make myself cry about them without a tv show or movie to spur it on, but if i lost J i don't think i could take it. and how is it that i let someone become that valuable to me? i have been pushing and holding everyone else that i love away for nine years, how did he sneak in? i guess i am trying to say, to anyone who is listening and to whom it may concern, that i am so sorry if i seem aloof, or distant or disinterested in our friendship. i'm not at all, not any of those things. the truth is i am scared of loving people, scared of counting on people or being close to people. you are all so important to me, so important that i felt the need to try and let you go. because the most important people in my life seem to have a bad habit of dying. i am sorry. i love you all. i miss you. and i am trying, slowly but surely and so so hard, to break down my own walls and stop being afraid. they say identifying the problem is the first step right? how very AA; my dad would be so proud. the truth is, i don't really have a family now, at least not one made up of people who know me and my history. my closest blood relatives weren't really there when iwas growing up, it was my Mom and Dad who knew my everyday, the rest of my family just got it second hand. my friends are the only remnants of my childhood. and i am so afraid i am losing them too. FUUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!! i just want to scream! i am so sick and fucking tired of being scared! i just want to feel safe.