Saturday, January 08, 2005
dreams
last night i had a dream about my father. it was so realistic, like ones i have had before about my mom. i dreamed that he was alive but i knew that he had died; it was almost as if my concious self was trying to remind my unconcious self that he was gone, but my dreaming self didn't want to believe it, like i was trying to convince myself that i must have made a mistake, that i must have dreamed his death..confusing, i know, but i have had the same sort of dream about my mother, and wonder if it is common...anyway, in my dream he was alive and i had gone to visit him for the weekend and i was so happy to see him and get to visit with him. but then he said that he was going out until late that night with friends and that he had to go out again on saturday night, and i knew that i was leaving on sunday. i was instantly angry and hurt. i turned to him and pleaded with him not to go, saying that i had come just to see him and spend time with him, and that my visit was so short and couldn't he just stay and spend time with me. he looked surprised at first and then genuinely distraught. i was crying and desperately begging him to stay and visit with me. he got out of the car (where we were talking) and i got frustrated and started to drive away. i could see him in the rearview mirror, walking with his head in his hands, torturing himself. i only drove a few yards away and then stopped to cry and fume and wait. eventually, when he did not come to me, i got out of the car and walked back towards the house. he was standing there with my aunt and grandparents and cousins, all of them chatting and settling in for the weekend, and when he saw me he approached me and said that he would stay, that he could not get out of his plans for that night, but he would cancel his plans for saturday and stay with me. he told me he loved me and he was sorry he had upset me. i hugged him and cried and felt so warm and grateful. boy, that's pretty obvious i guess. not wanting my dad to go away, wanting to spend more time. when i have had similar dreams about my mom, i have the same feeling, such an overwhelming relief that she is not really gone, that i was wrong and i do still have time with her, and that each moment i have is so precious and important. i wonder when these dreams will go away- it has been almost nine years since my mom died- i wonder when i will stop wishing it was all just a dream. probably never. though the dreams of my mom do come less and less. and for my dad they are just starting. great. my sub-concious sure has a way with timing...
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3 comments:
My father died eight years ago and I still have incredibly vivid dreams about him. Not so obvious as the one you describe, but dreams where he is alive that seem so vivid and real. Often we're around a pool or in some kind of tropical location, not sure what that means. And he is either with another woman or alone, but never with my mom. More often than not, he has another family around him, a new family. This is all very strange because my parents were not divorced or anything. In the dream, however, none of this seems out of place. I cherish them for their remarkable ordinariness. And I think that's what I miss most- the uneventfulness of just knowing someone is there and enjoying there presence. That unfortunately, is the one thing we can never get back.
xo
mah
I wish I remembered my dreams...the good ones I mean. Maybe dead siblings don't come to you in dreams- like it's a parents only kind of thing. I wake up crying a lot though, so maybe I just don't remember.
But I do think its a beautiful thing that your dreams are so active- something to treasure. It helps in remembering I'd think. Sometimes I can't picture my brother and I've already lost his voice...I just can't hear it at all. I keep thinking maybe if I dreamed about him his visage and sound would come back to me.
no, sarachkah, i don't really mind having the dreams. i mean they are a few moments of believing my parents are alive again, and that feels so wonderuflly joyful. but then when i wake up, it just makes me miss them even more, it kind of sends me crashing back into reality, the reality that they are gone. and that is something that i have tried for so long to be okay with, to ignore really, and so the slap in the face reminder can be hard. so often i try to go back to sleep, to jump back into the dream so i can see them again for a few more minutes. and Synge, yes, it is a nice way to refresh my memories of their voices and their mannerisms. but more often than not, i don't carry those memories back into conciousness.
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