MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

and here's a very special Christmas gift to all of you, from me and J:

ummmmmm

okay, the titling posts with sounds thing may have to end here- i'm out of sounds. not much to write about today though, so the sound may be appropriate after all.

it's raining here, and will be all weekend- bummer. "i'm dreaming of a wet Christmas" just doesn't have the same ring to it. though i'm sure that there are many colorado-ians (-ites?) who would be more than happy to pass on the white Christmas they're having- yikes, that's a lot of snow! looks like kristoise got out of that state just in time...

had my Christmas night with J last night, and, as usual, it just dissolved into a night of drinking too much wine and falling asleep on the couch watching a Christmas episode of south park (see sarachkah- you're really not missing much). decided to skip "IAWL" (too long to write out), as it's actually a pretty depressing movie, and we were late getting to dinner. our waitress at dinner was a total beeyotch, even though J and i gave her every opportunity to redeem herself ( too bad for her really, as we are very generous customers, and she screwed herself right out of a great tip).the german village thing was fun though, complete with carolers. i love Christmas in the city.

walking around the german bazaar made me think of my Dad. the last time he visited me in Chicago, we went there and he bought me a purple knit hat which i still have, even thought it's too small for my head. i saw the same hat stand and my eyes misted up a bit. i was talking to a co-worker yesterday about him and it re-sparked my interest in writing down my family history (in fictional form, of course). i have been meaning to write a short story/ novella/ play/ screenplay about my father and his various wives and children for some time now, but i just can't seem to get started. maybe i will make that a goal for the new year (i won't say 'resolution'- that's just doomed to fail). i have a snazzy title and everything, and i've already cast the movie (i will be played by ms. kate winslet, of course...), so writing it out should just be cake.

well, back to a long day of not working. my friend R is coming up to meet me for lunch and stocking stuffer shopping, so that should break up the monotony. hope it stops raining by then...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! LET THE FUN BEGIN!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i am officially ready to start enjoying the holiday season- all of my packages are neatly packed and ready to ship, and as soon as i drop them off at the post office (in about an hour) they will be on their way to spread holiday cheer throughout the eastern seaboard! at this point i am so happy that they are done that i don't really care when they get where they're going, but they should (according to the post office...sketchy...) be there in plenty of time for x-mas. YAAAAAAAY!! I'M DONE!!!

so tonight, in celebration, J and i are going to have our annual Christmas night (it used to be a whole Christmas day, but since i have entered the 9 to 5 world, we've had to scale back). we're going down town to the "christkindlemarket", this cute little german village they set up under the huge Christmas tree in daley plaza, where they serve gluuwein (hot mulled wine- yummmmmmm) and sell all sort of very pretty (and totally over priced) hand made ornaments. then we may even catch the late showing of "it's a wonderful life" at the local vintage movie house. fun! it's raining right now, which is kind of a bummer for walking around down town much, but at least it's not terribly cold.

that's it really, that's all i have to say. no bitching today, cuz i am ready to kick back and enjoy my 5 days of Christmas. merry merry one and all!

pffffttttttttttttttttt..

i think i'm going to start all of my blogs with random, made-up sound words. i like it.

that sound i started with today is something like a long drawn out raspberry of disgust. i'm in a mood, and by that i mean a grumpy one. it's a week til Christmas, how could I be in a mood? i love Christmas (so much that i insist on capitalizing it, which should say something), i truly believe that it's the most wonderful time of the year, magical and tingly and warm and all that jazz. but this year it's stressing me out; i don't know how, but it really snuck up on me. i was so sure that thanksgiving (see, no capitalization there) being so early would put me way ahead of the game, that i would be relaxed and excited by now, all of my gifts bought and wrapped and all of my packages safely en route to my various family groups on the east coast. but no. i may not even get all of my family's packages out on time to reach them by Christmas- &*%((*#&@()@#!!! i did get some good gifts for every one this year, so i guess better late than never, but now i have to print, wrap, bake, assemble and pack them all, then stand in line for five hours at the post office in order to pay an arm and a leg for them to arrive late anyway. AAAACCKKKKK! i wish my family would buy into the grab bag idea; it would save me a lot of time. but, since they don't, i will most likely be up until the wee hours tonight getting everything ready to ship out. ho ho ho.

i want to be able to relax and enjoy this week! after Christmas it's all downhill until summer (which, in this part of the country, is at least a good five months off), so i need to be able to enjoy this time! after wednesday- aka: D(elivery) Day- things should calm down a little. i am happy that we're staying in town this year; at least we don't have to worry about traveling stress. just to complicate things for myself, i have invited several people over for a Christmas Eve buffet dinner, which i will now have to shop and cook for this weekend, but i actually enjoy that kind of thing. J even ordered us a goose for Christmas dinner from the chef at his work; how very Dickensian of us! (i was going to try and make a figgy pudding, but that may be pushing it). so i just need to focus on getting to the weekend. ironically, i have most of J's presents already, and still have all day saturday to shop for him. well, at least i won't be stressed as i battle the panicked last-minute masses to buy a few stray stocking stuffers.

okay, so i'm in the final countdown to Christmas cheer and relaxation. that makes me feel better, to realize that by this time tomorrow it will all be over. i am doing a Christmas show with my band tonight, and i almost wish i wasn't, so that i could have the extra assembly time. but i'll just come home, fix myself a glass of wine and go on a packing spree.

gee, it's not so bad after all (must be the Christmas magic kicking in...)

tah-dah

well kiddos, i'm back. driven back by boredom- make that extreme boredom- with the internet. that and a guilt-inducing comment made by MAH that i never update my blog. don't know why it induced guilt, actually, but it did, and so i'm here. blogging. but i refuse to capitalize, so there. i'm too tired to capitalize.

last night was my and J's third annual holiday party, and while it went off with nary a hitch, and was a truly delightful evening, it left me plumb tuckered (to steal a descriptive phrase from Hee Haw- damn, tricked into capitalizing by a seventies hillbilly variety show!). i think my tiredness (is that a word? too tired to check...) may be due to the fact that i spent the last week in feverish prepartion for said delightful holiday soiree, including ( i do not know why, so don't even bother to ask) baking over 300 cookies from scratch. right now, of course, all i want to do is lay in a soft clean bed and stuff my face with the (many) leftover cookies and wine currently sitting on my dining room sidebar. i do NOT want to be sitting at work doing absolutely nothing even remotely useful, as i desperately surf the net for new and interesting celebrity gossip/snarky comments and count the seconds until i get to go home to my couch, my tv and the formerly coveted leftovers. as a bonus feature of this tedious, tired-out day, my allergies are acting up and i have already sneezed myself into the double digits. joy. nothing a fistful of lemon bars, a nice glass of shiraz, and a tivo'ed 70's Christmas special can't fix.

the only thing that is not good about having an easy and totally laid back job is that it does often lead to mind-numbingly dull days, especially when the job is at a university and all of the students have left campus for a month but i still have to show up and look busy for eight hours a day. well, it could be much much worse- i could still be shilling tickets to tense, spoiled tourists, riled up to a state of perfectly stunning unpleasantness by the pressure of the holiday season. very glad i'm not doing that. very very. and the boring job provides insurance and paid vacation- double bonus.

so after that whiny little diatribe, is anyone really glad that i started blogging again? maybe i will just turn this into a bitching post, a way to vent my frustrations and practice my typing. god knows i have been meaning to write more, and this is writing- kinda- though hardly deep, pulitzer worthy stuff. a bitching post- i like that. maybe i'll even implement a name change for the page. dead parents is just such a downer way to introduce yourself. i think it's funny, but i have a feeling that most people just find it unsettling.

well now i'm just rambling. and no one will read this anyway. so i should probably stop talking to myself online and go now.

I was tagged, so here goes...

I guess it's apropos, since I haven't written on the blog in almost a month. So here it is:

4 jobs I've had:
1. Waitress
2. Box Office Assistant
3. Children's Theatre Actor
4. Jazz Singer
(and I was once paid to be a nude artist's model- that was an experience...)

4 movies I can watch over and over:
1. When Harry Met Sally
2. Holiday (with Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant)
3. Bridget Jones' Diary
4. Singles
(clearly, I am a total girl)

4 Places I've lived:
1. Richmond, VA
2. Oxford, England
3. London, England
4. Chicago (greatest town ever), IL

4 TV Shows I Love:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. The Sopranos
3. Friends (I will watch them again and again and again- and I do)
4. Law and Order SVU
(I also loved 'Six Feet Under' and 'Carnivale', may they rest in peace)

4 Places I've Vacationed:
1. Greece (my favorite)
2. Various campsite, couches and motels across America (my second favorite)
3. Paris, France
4. Florence, Italy
(and various other European cities, in a whirlwind tour)

4 of my favorite dishes
1. Country Greek Salad from Joe's Inn in Richmond, VA
2. My Mamaw's biscuits and gravy- can't be beat
3. Crusty bread and great cheese, eaten in any outdoor setting, preferably with wine
4. Steak Tacos, from Las Pinatas in Chicago, IL (margaritas are imperative)
(I could list about 50 more of these- what can I say, I like to eat)

4 places I would rather be right now:
1. On a beach, any beach, as long as it's warm and not filled with drunk people
2. Sitting in an outdoor cafe in Florence, Italy (also must be warm)
3. Santorini, Greece
4. At my stepmother's house in Annapolis, MD (it's one of my happy places)

Handoff - well, having a limited number of taggable friends, and seeing that they have all been tagged, I guess teh buck stops here. Oh- I guess I can tag Sarachkah.

for the coolest chemist i know (come to think of it, she's the only chemist i know...)

kristoise, i saw this and thought of you. if i were a better friend i would have bought you the t-shirt...if anyone more generous than me is interested, check out this site.

Moving On

it's funny how attached you can get to a house, even one you never lived in. four walls and a roof, a floor, some windows- that's all it is, really. but a house and the things in it come to stand for so much more. memories, both good and bad, that color the four walls so much more thoroughly than paint. the couch you used to take naps on when you were a child, as ugly as sin, but still so important; the rickety dining room table that you would never really use, but you'd never have the heart to give away; the old fashioned looking desk where you found your first dirty magazines, stuffed away under stacks of useless papers. these things and this place mean so much, though they are in actuality just that- things and a place.

as some of you know, for many complicated legal reasons my late father's house- which now technically belongs to me and my sister- can never be sold, so for the past few years we have been renting it out. the first couple we rented it to were wonderful tenants and took great care of the house and all of the things in it. they rented it furnished, so all my stepmothers and i had to do to get the house ready for them was clean out drawers and pack away valuables, stuffing everything else- all of my father's towels and sheets and knick-knacks and books and memories- into the attic and leaving the house not terribly unlike it had been when Dad was alive. easy, on so many levels. last summer those tenants moved on, and for the past eight months the house has been vacant, a silent shrine in the woods to my father, as if he would be returning any moment from the duck blind to light the woodstove and watch a basketball game on tv. in other words, just how i wanted it, though knew it could not remain.

a few weeks ago my uncle Robert called to tell me that he had found tenants for the house, a couple of nice older ladies who loved the place and wanted to sign a 5-year lease. they had excellent references, Robert loved them, and they wanted to move in right away. perfect. except that they had their own furniture and they didn't need Dad's, so we would have to empty the house- immediatly. this was the hard part i had been hoping would never come, my shrine was being torn down never to exist again. though the new tenants did very graciously agree to vacate the premises for the week of my wedding so that we can use the house, i had privately hoped that the house would remain unrented until after the wedding, leaving my shrine intact for that highly emotional last unmarried week. no such luck- my last single night will be spent sleeping in a stranger's bed.

to make matters worse, Robert had originally told me that the new tenants were understanding about the quick move and the problems it presented to me and my stepmother in terms of getting there to clean the house out. he said that they were willing to "work around" the old furniture or possibly store it in the basement until we could get there to move it, in march. today i got an email from Robert that, in fact, everything needs to be out of the house by the 27th- 10 days from now. my uncle is a relatively clueless man when it comes to other people's feelings, but this just goes above and beyond all levels of common sense or consideration. even if i was unemployed and in possession of a private jet to fly me to maryland at a moment's notice, it would still take more than a few hours to go through my dead father's house and pack it up for the last time ( by myself, as my stepmother has a demanding 50 hour week job and my sister is in school).

basically i just feel overwhelmed. angry and frustrated and sad and overwhelmed. my hero of a stepmother found a moving company who would pack up the house and drive everything to richmond to a storage unit, but that means that strangers will be packing up my father's house and i will never see it intact again. then all of his things- which now belong to Rachel and me, but which neither of us currently have a place for- will be sitting in some depressing tomb of a storage unit in richmond, a town i rarely visit. all of my memories, all of his things, all that i have left of him, just sitting in a climate controlled box among many other climate controlled boxes, being forgotten.

why can't i just keep my shrine? why do i have to be the one with no parents? wasn't losing my mother enough, did i have to lose my dad too? it's not fucking fair- i don't want money or furniture or pictures, I WANT MY FUCKING PARENTS BACK!!!! everyone gets to have parents, why don't i? what did i do? WHAT DID I DO????

i suppose this post was misnamed- i'm not doing a very good job of moving on at all.

Lamest Holiday Ever

i hate valentine's day, have always hated it, from my elementary school years (when i was forced to send valentines to kids who had either ignored or made fun of me all year) to my middle school years (when i never got as many stupid paper hearts as my more popular classmates) to my high school years (when those ghastly 'heart-with-arms-and-legs' floating mylar balloons entered the picture). it is a needless, useless, ridiculous holiday that reinforces the stereotypical idea that love is better expressed through scheduled meaningless material gestures than through spontaneous and regular expression of true caring. stupid, stupid, stupid.

and i AM in a very happy and romantic relationship now, so this is no mere bitterness. we just don't happen to need a calender to tell us when to be affectionate.

J and i very deliberately do NOT celebrate valentine's day, and this article i read this morning on cnn.com does a very nice job of summing up just why we don't. why are people such sheep that just because the card and candy companies tell them that today's the day to express their love, they DO IT! and, apparently, to make matters more pathetic, they all express their assigned emotion of the day THE EXACT SAME WAY! why not tell people you love them on some random thursday in march? or- better yet- why not say it every day? and why not do it in with your own words, actions or some creative form of self-expression, instead of with cheap, mass-produced hallmark sentiment?

okay, i'm getting off my soapbox now. i have to go glare at the lemming couples who are coming to my job to 'celebrate their love', which is clearly so much stronger today than it will be next week.

The Color Quiz

Take this quiz- very interesting results. Here are mine:

Your Existing Situation
Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

Your Actual Problem #2
Wants to be valued and respected, and seeks this from a close and peaceful association of mutual esteem.

anxious

i don't know where to begin. i feel like i'm losing my mind. this morning (and, come to think of it yesterday morning, and the morning before that..) i woke up with my mind racing with fears and anxiety, about everything from money to my relationship to life and the universe in general. i wake myself up with fears. and i can't get back to sleep. i try to calm myself down, i lay there diligently repeating in my head "calm, calm, everything is okay," but it never seems to work and eventually i am driven out of bed, tired or not, to the computer, to face more fears and dire headlines and overwhelming responsibilities.

i really am afraid i'm losing my mind. or control of it, anyway. and the worst part of it is that when these anxieties pile up on me i take them out on J, sure that if HE were working more often, if HE were being more responsible that I would feel better, less afraid. where does this come from?

here's a more complete background on that particular strain of anxiety: as usual, i am worried about my and J's financial situation. he is 32 years old, and a waiter. january is a traditionally slow month for waiters, so lately he has been working anywhere from four shifts a week (that's about 28 hours a week) to none (that's NONE), with an average of two shifts being the norm. that means that there are weeks when i work 36 hours a week and he works 12 to none. this bothers me. my job is not exactly a high-paying position either, but at least i'm working. i hate my job, but at least i go. true, when he works, J can often make more in two nights than i make in a week, but that hardly makes it feel more fair. initially, J was waiting tables because it was the only job that gave him the flexibility to pursue his improv and performing dreams, but lately he is not doing any improv (or performing of any kind), so i am starting to wonder why he can't work a regular (read: stable) job. i hestitate to ask him to take a second job during these slow months, but then i reconsider when i realize that even a second job would just require him to work the same amount of hours that i ALWAYS work. i hate having this resentment. i hate that i take out my anxieties on him, but i don't know how to stop myself. the best i can do is not to tell him about my resentment and worry every time it springs to mind, but even that is not something that i can always control, and there are times when i just want to yell at him at the top of my lungs that he is he is LAZY AND IRRESPONSIBLE AND IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I AM DOING ALL OF THE WORK!!! the thing is that none of these things are true- he is not irresponsible, he's not really any more lazy than i am, and he does work, just not as regularly as i do. he has still managed to pay his bills and set some money aside for the wedding, or if he does fall behind one week he always gets me back the next; he has been fabulous about sticking to his budget, and not going out if he has not been working; and since he's been working less he has started to single-handedly handle all of the housework and has been very involved and helpful with the wedding planning stuff. if i am doing more work outside of my job, driving myself nuts with my obsessive and maniacal need to always be 'doing something' it's because i choose to. well, because i need to to feel useful, and productive, and whole. lately i cannot relax, because downtime makes me feel guilty.

like i said, i'm going crazy.

actually, yesterday during one of my now regular mini-anxiety attacks, my friend R threw out a word that may apply more aptly than "crazy". i think i may have a codependant personality. i looked up 'codependent' today on the web, and a lot of the symptoms(who am i kidding, MOST of the symptoms..) sound eerily familiar. for example:
-Inability to know what "normal" is
-Difficulty in following a project through.
-Difficulty relaxing or having fun.
-Judging self, others without mercy.
-Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
-Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions. (Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")
-Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
-Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
-Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
-Feelings of being different.
-Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
-Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
-Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
-Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
-Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
-Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
-Hypersensitivity to criticism.
-Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
-Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
-Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
-Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
-Rigidity and need to control.
-Feelings of responsibility for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny.
-Feeling compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings.
-The feeling that it is easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you.
-You feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others.
-You feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you.
-You feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with.
-You are often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems.

this would explain why i think that controlling J and "fixing" his "inadequecies" (instead of just "fixing" myself) would solve my esteem problems . this would explain my extreme need for control in every aspect of my life and my feelings of failure when i fail to achieve this totally unreasonable control of the uncontrollable. this would sync perfectly with my sometimes debilitating fear of abandonment and loss.

so i've possibly identified the problem, now for the solution. what do i do? how do i learn to trust myself and relax? how do i learn to trust J and have faith in his ability to be a grown up and take care of himself as well as pull his weight in our relationship? how do i learn to trust that everything will indeed "be okay" without my worrying about it and fixating on it every waking moment?

for now i will try yoga, and therapy, and b-vitamins, and a little more self-love and patience. this last one will be the hardest; it appears i have a lot of bad habits to break, and a lot of fear to let go of.

quickly

exercise really is the best cure for the blues. true, booze or chocolate may be quicker and easier to reach for, but with exercise you actually feel BETTER about yourself afterwards, which is a nice side-effect. this winter i am determined to exercise away both my blues and my ass- what could make me feel better than losing both of those?
that's all i have to say.

a smack in the face

it's funny how death just sneaks up on you. i am sitting here at work, the beginning of a regular saturday night shift, and suddenly we get word from one of the producers that a popular actor here at the theatre has died of a heartattack on his way to a gig. he was young, less than forty years old. he emceeded a show that my band played in less than three months ago. he was just a regular guy- funny, talented, full of life. he wasn't a thin man, but he was no chris farley, and in fact he had been trying to lead a healthier life as of late, exercising, eating better, drinking less. i did not know this man in more than a passing manner- i'd seen him at parties of friends, around the building, and around the neighborhood- but i knew who he was, i had met him, and said hello to him, and made small talk and snide remarks with him, and i knew him as a living breathing person.

and now he is dead. in just an instant. no warning, no hint, no preparation at all.

death is like that, it can come out of nowhere, like a phone call in the middle of the night, or in the middle of a sunny afternoon, or the middle of a regular saturday night shift. it can come to anyone, at any time, and there's nothing we can do to predict it or to stop it. yesterday you're alive, today you're not.

and it's just not fair, it's just not FUCKING fair.

i think i need to go cry now.

scary thought

it just occurred to me that we are more than half way through the 2000's. we are four years away from '2010:a space odyssey', four years away from VH1's 'i love the 2000's'.

wow.

scary.