i don't know where to begin. i feel like i'm losing my mind. this morning (and, come to think of it yesterday morning, and the morning before that..) i woke up with my mind racing with fears and anxiety, about everything from money to my relationship to life and the universe in general. i wake myself up with fears. and i can't get back to sleep. i try to calm myself down, i lay there diligently repeating in my head "calm, calm, everything is okay," but it never seems to work and eventually i am driven out of bed, tired or not, to the computer, to face more fears and dire headlines and overwhelming responsibilities.
i really am afraid i'm losing my mind. or control of it, anyway. and the worst part of it is that when these anxieties pile up on me i take them out on J, sure that if HE were working more often, if HE were being more responsible that I would feel better, less afraid. where does this come from?
here's a more complete background on that particular strain of anxiety: as usual, i am worried about my and J's financial situation. he is 32 years old, and a waiter. january is a traditionally slow month for waiters, so lately he has been working anywhere from four shifts a week (that's about 28 hours a week) to none (that's NONE), with an average of two shifts being the norm. that means that there are weeks when i work 36 hours a week and he works 12 to none. this bothers me. my job is not exactly a high-paying position either, but at least i'm working. i hate my job, but at least i go. true, when he works, J can often make more in two nights than i make in a week, but that hardly makes it feel more fair. initially, J was waiting tables because it was the only job that gave him the flexibility to pursue his improv and performing dreams, but lately he is not doing any improv (or performing of any kind), so i am starting to wonder why he can't work a regular (read: stable) job. i hestitate to ask him to take a second job during these slow months, but then i reconsider when i realize that even a second job would just require him to work the same amount of hours that i ALWAYS work. i hate having this resentment. i hate that i take out my anxieties on him, but i don't know how to stop myself. the best i can do is not to tell him about my resentment and worry every time it springs to mind, but even that is not something that i can always control, and there are times when i just want to yell at him at the top of my lungs that he is he is LAZY AND IRRESPONSIBLE AND IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I AM DOING ALL OF THE WORK!!! the thing is that none of these things are true- he is not irresponsible, he's not really any more lazy than i am, and he does work, just not as regularly as i do. he has still managed to pay his bills and set some money aside for the wedding, or if he does fall behind one week he always gets me back the next; he has been fabulous about sticking to his budget, and not going out if he has not been working; and since he's been working less he has started to single-handedly handle all of the housework and has been very involved and helpful with the wedding planning stuff. if i am doing more work outside of my job, driving myself nuts with my obsessive and maniacal need to always be 'doing something' it's because i choose to. well, because i need to to feel useful, and productive, and whole. lately i cannot relax, because downtime makes me feel guilty.
like i said, i'm going crazy.
actually, yesterday during one of my now regular mini-anxiety attacks, my friend R threw out a word that may apply more aptly than "crazy". i think i may have a codependant personality. i looked up 'codependent' today on the web, and a lot of the symptoms(who am i kidding, MOST of the symptoms..) sound eerily familiar. for example:
-Inability to know what "normal" is
-Difficulty in following a project through.
-Difficulty relaxing or having fun.
-Judging self, others without mercy.
-Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
-Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions. (Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")
-Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
-Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
-Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
-Feelings of being different.
-Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
-Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
-Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
-Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
-Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
-Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
-Hypersensitivity to criticism.
-Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
-Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
-Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
-Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
-Rigidity and need to control.
-Feelings of responsibility for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny.
-Feeling compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings.
-The feeling that it is easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you.
-You feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others.
-You feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you.
-You feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with.
-You are often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems.
this would explain why i think that controlling J and "fixing" his "inadequecies" (instead of just "fixing" myself) would solve my esteem problems . this would explain my extreme need for control in every aspect of my life and my feelings of failure when i fail to achieve this totally unreasonable control of the uncontrollable. this would sync perfectly with my sometimes debilitating fear of abandonment and loss.
so i've possibly identified the problem, now for the solution. what do i do? how do i learn to trust myself and relax? how do i learn to trust J and have faith in his ability to be a grown up and take care of himself as well as pull his weight in our relationship? how do i learn to trust that everything will indeed "be okay" without my worrying about it and fixating on it every waking moment?
for now i will try yoga, and therapy, and b-vitamins, and a little more self-love and patience. this last one will be the hardest; it appears i have a lot of bad habits to break, and a lot of fear to let go of.
3 comments:
S- thanks so much for your response. i probably will call you some time to talk more about this, after i've examined it some more and talked to my therapist. it does feel good just to hear that someone else i know and respect (and who is in what i see as a very sucessful marriage) has the same anxieties and issues.
as far as premarital counseling, J and i have certainly discussed it, but he thinks (and i mostly agree) that we are pretty good about talking these things through by ourselves, so it might be a bit redundant. we haven't ruled it out though, if emotions are still running high closer to the date. last night we went out to mexican food (steak tacos and margaritas are our couples counseling..) and had a big talk about my 'codependent' theory, as well as my lingering resentment about his work situation. he agrees that i have a right to feel slighted by the work thing, and says that he is trying to do more around the house and for the wedding so that i am not bearing all of the responsibility. he also mentioned today that he is thinking of getting a second job. and he knows i've been sad and anxious lately, and even when i take it out on him he is so incredibly patient and loving with me.
i think you hit the nail on the head with the statement that different people bring different things to the relationship; J grounds me and gives me perspective when i spin off into anxiety land, while i am teaching him to be more responsible and mindful about his finances and other 'adult' issues. i just need to make sure that we keep talking, keep being clear and honest about what we need from eachother(i especially need to work on that one), and we will be fine. because you're right, we're going to be together for a looooong time.
Well, about the codependent thing...that's a lot of characteristics, don't you think? I think most people have at least some of those feelings some of the time. (I related to many of them myself...but I KNOW I'm screwed up...LOL.)
My point is just that you're human. It's normal to be pissed if you don't feel that your partner is pulling his or her weight. (God knows why Marc still stays with me.)
However that is resolved, it's probably something that does need to be resolved or it will just continue to cause problems. Is the issue that you want J to make more money or is the issue that you want him to work more...to "try" harder?
I don't think marriage counseling can hurt if you can't seem to come to any solution by yourselves. I also think that the months leading up to getting married are kind of nervewracking and I think it's easy to start doubting the relationship and noticing problems.
BTW...I do the same stuff with poor Marc...taking my own insecurities out on him and feeling like things would be better if only he would do something differently. I have really noticed it since Gideon has arrived and now I consciously try to change that behavior...just give myself a little time to calm down if I get frustrated before lashing out and then I usually realize that it's my issue and not his.
babe, i'm definitely not one to give relationship advice, and god knows i certainly fit that codependent profile to a T myself, but what i do have to say is give yourself a break and remember what an incredible woman you are.
i think this anxiety is stemming from bigger issues and taking the form of valid but not really the heart of the problem problems (i hope that made sense - i'm severly jet lagged at the moment). trust that it will take time, but you will find this through therapy. remember that the pyramids were not built in a day, and start with the bottom blocks, trusting that it will grow taller with time.
the self love thing is a lifelong journey, and no, its not easy, but remember to pat yourself on the back for even choosing that path - that is a step in and of itself.
yoga, therapy, and vitamin b are all very good ideas. throw self trust and whatever patience you can muster into the mix, and you'll be just fine.
i love you dearly and will call soon to hear all aloud and be whatever of a sounding board you need. in the menatime, i think you're way ahead of the ball my spectacular friend, and already so much more advanced growth wise than many people reach in a lifetime.
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