i am moving- again. it has been less than a year since i packed up everything i own and walked it down the block, and i would be immensely happy if it could be at least three more until i did it again. but no such luck. the swell of chicago condos must march on. my place is apparently going for $390k. i mean, this is a nice apartment and all, but seriously- four hundred thousand dollars? when i was growing up in richmond, that kind of money could buy a house with a three acre yard and an elevator. here, just a two bedroom condo rehab. the world's gone mad.
speaking of going mad, apparently i need therapy. or at least, J thinks it's a good idea. i agree, i have been a bit of a mess lately, with mood swings to rival a six flags ride, and bouts of minor depression, oh, and the fact that i'm obsessed with my dead parents. and antisocial behavior- if that's what it means when you're always crabby and you can't make friends. (these are all my words, not his). lately i just feel blank and desperate. i can feel totally alone and isolated sitting in the middle of a crowded room. and- i think this is J's issue- i have been getting my familiar born-to-run feelings again. a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, i drank a whole bottle of wine and decided i was furiously mad at J (who had the NERVE to go out with his friends and then call me several times to tell me where he was and when he would be home, the bastard), so i ran away from home, thirteen-year old style. i went down the street to my old (now my new again) house, and lay down in the back yard and fell asleep, deliberatly hoping that J would be worried when he got home. he was. luckily, he found me right away, and then we had a ridiculous fight, in which i tried to act like i was the one who had been slighted, and told him several times that i had HOPED that he was worried. in the morning, it all came back to me in an oily haze, and i felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. i'm lucky he didn't dump my crazy ass right there. he was very hurt, but also very forgiving, saying that he had panicked when he got home and i wasn't there, and that he didn't know what he would do if he lost me. and the night before i actually told him that this was the reaction i wanted! i've never done something so mean hearted and vindictive, especially to someone that i love who in no way deserved it. it was so clearly just a plea for attention, which he would willingly give me at any time, if i just TELL HIM WHAT I NEED. i have such a hard time asking for what i need, and a nearly impossible time asking for help. when did i become such a passive aggressive coward? and where did all of this anger that i have come from? i love J more than anything in the world; he is so sweet and understanding and good to me. and yet i still find myself questioning our relationship, wondering if this is the right thing for me, so scared of a future that involves counting on one person.
he's right, i do need a therapist. and i'm such a stuck-up hippocrite for being so surprised that that's true. J has worked so hard on himself and this relationship, has made it such a priority to be the man he thinks i deserve, the absolute least he deserves is the same effort from me.
(and synge, don't think i am missing the irony of being told i need to go to therapy. talk about the pot calling the kettle crazy...)
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5 comments:
baby, you're not crazy, and we had talked about you wanting to go back to therapy...i think its just because it was suggested that this makes you feel somehow fucked up. you're not. but it is a good idea to go see someone (as you well know, and i thank you heartily for the nudging that i am now attempting to return).
my most wonderful big sis in the whole world, of course you are obsessed with dead parents and want to run away - you're making a huge life comittment and you're scared that you will put in so much soul investment and he will go away - intentionally or not. there's a huge history of abandonment issues that have never been totally worked through and the mountain has just grown bigger and bigger with the deaths of your parents.
of course you are going through all this, it doesn't mean you're crazy my dear, it means you are (gasp!) human. but these issues do need to be dealt with and worked through, with someone qualified to bring awareness to where behavior stems but cool enough to click into your personal modus operendi.
j and sarachkah and i were actually talking for a while about therapy and therapists and how its an ongoing peeling away at the layers of an onion - which of course sometimes makes you cry, and some layers are tougher than others. the heart of the onion remains unscathed and undamaged by whatever external forces wear away at the outside.
my therapist keeps telling me that one's true self- the core and heart of being and higher self, cannot be damaged by life crap. your core remains the essence of you. it is your strength and centeredness. water cannot drown it; fire cannot burn it. it is whole and intact. which means that at your core, you are whole and intact and undamaged by life.
we just need guidance in accessing and getting closer to that core.
the peeling away of the layers of the onion, if you will, to find the core.
water cannot drown it; fire cannot burn it. and you are not damaged or crazy. you are beautiful, and so very loved.
Oh, I've done stuff like that to Marc. Well, I didn't pass out in a backyard or anything. But I have tested him before...just wanting to see how much of a shithead I can be before he will stop loving me. So far he never has. I always feel bad about it afterwards and end up crying.
BTW, 390K in Richmond will not buy you a house with 3 acres and an elevator. It won't even buy you a McMansion in Twin Hickory with a postage stamp sized lot. But it would probably buy you our house, plus a little extra. Our house alone has gone up about 50K over the last year.
Synge,
You must have a better therapist than I do. I just go in and talk about my problems and she says...well, we'll have to work on that...and then we never do.
I must agree with Vixanne, I have totally pushed someone I love as far as I can just to test them and not necessarily a lover. I've done this to Vixanne many times. I think it is human. But I also think that it's a pretty dangerous game. For some reason, I thought you were currently in therapy, being the huge fan of it that you are. I bet my therapist would say insightful things like Synge's if I actually let her talk. I'm working on that. And you are loved. Not just by J, but by all of us.
MAH
i don't exactly love the process when its hard (ie this week) but i still love the therapist...who called yesterday to see how i was doing and checked up on my functioning ability/sleeping ability (she sent me home with kava kava tea)/general state and mindset and reassured me 1000 times that i'm doing wonderfully in my journey and explorations and that i will most definitely be ok and i am ok. i also can see how its very useful and how you have to go through the hard to get the useful...but my therapist is pretty damn good about phrasing things in the exact perfect way i can understand them.
but vix, she's way too new agey for you.
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