Sunday, February 06, 2005
old feelings...
i am getting the strangest urge lately to run away, from work and life and J and everyone. that is not a good thing. i have always been a runner, not in the exercise or marathon sense, but in the emotional cowardace sense. and now, after i finally thought i had dealt with that problem, put away my running shoes, settled myself down and started about the business of being a responsible grown-up, here i am again, looking longlingly at the door. why? am i scared or bored or just a creature of habit? i love J, he is great, but lately i don't miss him when he's gone. i even want time away from him, he gets on my nerves a little, annoys me over nothing. but at the same time i want him to notice my distance, i want him to worry that he might lose me, to feel sad and worried like i do. he probably doesn't notice because i keep it to myself, like everything, i just go about my day as if nothing is different or unusual, even though inside i'm seething and crying and restless. god i hate feeling restless. but what if i'm making a mistake in getting married? what if i'm just like my dad and a few years down the line i get bored or "unhappy" and mess things up just to keep my mind busy and my ego stoked? or what if he's like his dad and one day he leaves me? i don't feel comfortable counting on everlasting happiness, or even everlasting 'good'. i haven't seen it, how am i supposed to know it exists? so i revert to old ways, and i just want to run away to Oregon and live the life of a small town spinster in a big house making jam or something. lately i feel like this thing i have with J could slip away from me. sure he says he loves me now, but what about in twenty years, or even five years? what if he doesn't love me then? or what if i don't love him? if i were to run away right now, who would notice? who would really miss me, and how long would it take until the hole where i was is filled and forgotten? i want to go away, i want to go away, i want to go away....but instead i will go to a superbowl party, and probably spend the day feeling resentful and brooding, and then if i'm really lucky i'll get drunk and pick a fight with the man who stupidly wants to spend the rest of his life with a crazy woman like me. and he'll never see it coming. and god knows, i'll never tell.
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2 comments:
i was talking to an older married friend of mine the other day and saying how i couldn't at all imagine spending the rest of my life with the same person and having to wake up with them every morning and didn't she ever get sick of that? her response was an incredibly relieving and affirming "yes, of course". evidently this is so very commonplace, but no one talks about it because they somehow fear it means they love their sig oth less; it doesn't mean anything of the sort. it means you're human.
it sounds to me like a vacation without j. might be in order. a little time for you and you alone. you've always needed your alone time, so take it when you need it. i don't doubt that j will be absolutely understanding and okay with it.
you're not as much of a runner as you like to think you are; there's a huge part of you that wants to and does stay. it just has to be a situation in which you feel flexible and trust yuorself enough, as a lot of your tendencies to run come from not trusting yourself (in my humble but not always so useful opinion).
i think you need to take things moment by moment. you have no idea what the future will bring, and i've found it almost always brings surprises of all kinds. deal with how you feel now, and work through how you feel in the future when you get there. i get on your nerves all the time, and always have. and though we're not married so its different, you still haven't been able to bring yourself to get rid of me. he is probably sad and worried to some extent, but like you is keeping it to himself.
i'm no authority on marriage or relationships even, like the rest of our commuinal friends, but i know and trust you and your choices and i also know that you've never had a relationship this deep and this strong before, which says something about its endurance ability.
lastly, i'm sorry i didn't call yuo back this weekend; i was taking a little running/cocooning time myself. thank you for being such a wonderful and beautiful friend. your messages made me cry a lot, but in a good way.
I often "test" Marc. It's not a nice thing to do. I don't do it on purpose, but sometimes I push his buttons to see the reaction I get and see just how much he loves me. I don't know how you know you're meant to be with somebody. I think you just know. I guess I know because I can't picture my life without Marc. Not only do I love him, I still like him...and it's been 10 years now. Something like what we've just been through really tests a relationship. And even now I still love him and he still stands by me when I'm a raving lunatic. I guess that's how you know, but it's better to know without having to be tested like that.
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