not so much a change as a straightening of heart

many thanks to all of you married(and non-married)gals who weighed in with advice about the inevitable monotonies of relationships. as you all know, though i have been in many relationships in my day, this whole substantial/happy/long-term relationship thing is fairly new to me. i went to the superbowl party, i managed not pick a fight, J was very sweet and understanding about my funky panic mood, and though i did pick a fight with him the next morning, it was fairly short and non-destructive, and it gave me a chance to tell him what had been on my mind. (i know, i know, i'll work on being more direct and less passive aggressive. next time; i'm learning...) strangely enough, he loves me even though i am crazy and emotional. weird(wonderful)boy. reading everyone else's blogs, i have noticed the trend of waxing poetic about loved ones, and so i want to throw a little wax J's way. in short, he rocks. he is so patient and understanding and calm with me. he doesn't freak out when i am freaking out, he doesn't mind that i am emotional and obsessive, he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he is always thinking and listening and so curious about people and the world around him. he cooks, he sings, he loves politics, he loves music, he loves to read. he makes me tingle when he kisses me and sometimes i catch him looking at me across a room and it makes me feel like the most important woman in the world. he is always there for me when i need him, and at the most important moment, when it would have been so easy for him to run away, he stood beside me and held me up. he loves my friends, my friends love him, my family loves him, and his family loves me. he admits that he is lazy, and he never calls me out for being lazy too. he is so loyal and generous and caring with his friends- he would step in front of a bus for any one of them. he acts like a little kid, and he is trying so hard to become an adult(and succeeding!). he likes to play. he loves my cats. he is everything i never knew i wanted, he is my best friend, and no, i could not imagine my life without him. i will gladly take the moments of annoyance, and doubt, and anger, and the boring/bored days if it means i get to be with him for the rest of my life. he is worth it, and even more so because he reminds me that i'm worth it too.

old feelings...

i am getting the strangest urge lately to run away, from work and life and J and everyone. that is not a good thing. i have always been a runner, not in the exercise or marathon sense, but in the emotional cowardace sense. and now, after i finally thought i had dealt with that problem, put away my running shoes, settled myself down and started about the business of being a responsible grown-up, here i am again, looking longlingly at the door. why? am i scared or bored or just a creature of habit? i love J, he is great, but lately i don't miss him when he's gone. i even want time away from him, he gets on my nerves a little, annoys me over nothing. but at the same time i want him to notice my distance, i want him to worry that he might lose me, to feel sad and worried like i do. he probably doesn't notice because i keep it to myself, like everything, i just go about my day as if nothing is different or unusual, even though inside i'm seething and crying and restless. god i hate feeling restless. but what if i'm making a mistake in getting married? what if i'm just like my dad and a few years down the line i get bored or "unhappy" and mess things up just to keep my mind busy and my ego stoked? or what if he's like his dad and one day he leaves me? i don't feel comfortable counting on everlasting happiness, or even everlasting 'good'. i haven't seen it, how am i supposed to know it exists? so i revert to old ways, and i just want to run away to Oregon and live the life of a small town spinster in a big house making jam or something. lately i feel like this thing i have with J could slip away from me. sure he says he loves me now, but what about in twenty years, or even five years? what if he doesn't love me then? or what if i don't love him? if i were to run away right now, who would notice? who would really miss me, and how long would it take until the hole where i was is filled and forgotten? i want to go away, i want to go away, i want to go away....but instead i will go to a superbowl party, and probably spend the day feeling resentful and brooding, and then if i'm really lucky i'll get drunk and pick a fight with the man who stupidly wants to spend the rest of his life with a crazy woman like me. and he'll never see it coming. and god knows, i'll never tell.

cabin fever

i sprained (or fractured, but without insurance, we'll never know...) my ankle on sunday night, so for the past few days i've been rather house-bound. i feel like i'm cracking up. not a sylvia plath, i-think-i'll-go-stick-my-head-in-the-oven type of cracking, up, but i'm feeling a little cage-sick at the least. it isn't very nice to lose your mobility, especially if you're the 'born to run'-type like myself. not that i'm particularly industrious, i just like the option of movement. so tonight i am dragging my crippled ass out to sing and to drink, two of my favorite things. i might add that this emotional sludgy place is also helped along by my monthly cycle and lack of sunlight. i wish that winter would go away. i want summer. is it alright to whine, when i don't really have anything to whine about? i just want to bathe in chocolate cheescake and meg ryan movies while getting a pedicure and a shoulder rub. is that so much to ask? oh, and can i have a nice glass of pinot noir?

wonderful news

a big congratulations to Sarachkah and Raul, brand spankin new parents of a beautiful and healthy baby girl- Ruby Magdalena. may they all sleep soundly tonight. welcome to the world lovely Ruby, may your journey be a pleasant one...