nerves

my stomach is tight, and i feel like i want to throw up a little- in exactly 2 hours and 27 minutes i will be sitting in my first class of graduate school. gulp. what if i'm not smart enough for graduate school? what if i'm not serious enough to be a librarian, if i'm too flighty or artsy or right brained? (or is it left brained- see, i don't even remember which side of the brain is which, how will i ever master an advanced cataloging system?!?)

j has been to each of his two classes twice already, and he really likes them. he's taking an american government course and a class on lexicology. i wish i was taking a class on lexicology. words i can handle, but i don't know about computer resource retrieval.

maybe i'm in over my head...maybe i should just stay at my nice boring but easy university job, and take my $1 a year raise and my good benefits and my ample vacation time and free nights and weekends. maybe i should revisit that 'win the lottery and spend the rest of my life shopping at farmers' markets and browsing in used bookstores' plan. maybe i should resign myself to a life of unchallenging work and wasted intellect and countless hours spent blogging and reading perez hilton followed by long nights of drinking three buck chuck and falling asleep to reruns of law and order SVU (thinking: "hey, maybe i should go to law school...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz")

only 2 hours and 18 minutes to go now. an hour and a half of that being time in the car, sitting in rush hour traffic to drive 16 miles, during which i will probably psych myself into a quivering ball of raw insecurity.

gulp.

maybe my car will overheat again.

maybe that meteor that stephen hawking has been talking about will finally hit.

wish me luck...