(WARNING: today i am bored, and i have exhausted the internet, so i am taking out my boredom on my blog. feel free to stop reading now if pointless rambling, whining and bitching are not what you're in the mood for. THIS IS A LONG POST! read at your own risk; and don't say i didn't warn you.)
first and foremost, i want to thank everyone who responded to my last post (including those who repsonded via email). that was a crappy day, and i really did appreciate your support and sympathy. you are all wonderful friends, and i am glad to have you in my life, even if i don't say it often enough (or talk to any of you often enough, for that matter). i am back in therapy now, and slowly but surely working through my grief issues. hopefully someday i will not automatically sink into a funk every time labor day rolls around.
on a similar note, i have recently- after many many years of foolish and forgetful avoidance- applied for health insurance (which i will pay for out of my own pocket, since i seem destined never to hold a job which gives me any benefits whatsoever) with blue cross & blue shield. now, i am an overly honest person, honest to a genuine fault, honest to the point that i find it nearly impossible to lie to people when asked a direct question. in the realm of insurance, that fault may have bitten me in the ass. when asked on the application, amongst a million different questions of non-existant ailments, if i had attended therapy in the last ten years, i said yes. and apparently that is an automatic red flag, because- even though i have never taken or been prescribed any psychiatric drugs, been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, or even seen an actual psychiatrist or psychologist(my therapists were all liscensed clinical social workers)- this may mean that i have mental problems that may end up requiring expensive treatment or medication in the future, therefore driving up my premium by a ridiculous degree or even making me uninsurable. when the nurse called to "ask a few questions" about my application, she told me that they always call for a phone interview when someone lists that they've been to therapy. so, they will make me pay more because i chose to handle my problems instead of ignoring them; they will make me pay more because i pay someone to listen to me talk about my life; they will make me pay more, ultimately, because i was too stupid to just lie to them and say that i had never been to therapy. i never gave my SSN to any of my therapists, and they were both in private practice; the insurance company would never have found out about it. and they never asked about my family medical history, which happens to contain a startling amount of cancer and alcoholism. no, they are far more concerned that i am talking to a stranger about my problems. THAT is what makes me a risk.
i hate being honest.
on a totally different note, i must explain why i never blogged about the hurricane. i tried, but i didn't have anything to say that everyone else has not already said. jay's good friend dave is from NOLA, and all of his old high school friends are now moving to chicago because their houses are gone. it is such a tragic and infuriating situation. our government should be ashamed of what happened, and what is still happening in this, the richest and most arrogant nation in the world. and it sucks that bush will never really have to pay for his blatant failure to take care of american citizens, because he can't be re-elected anyway.
i donated some money to mercy corps and felt guilty that i couldn't do more.
other than that, well, i guess i am left with just pure rambling. i am annoyed at britney spears; she is FROM louisiana, and all she did was "pray" for the hurricane vicitims. how about writing out a big fat check, you white trash, no-talent home-wrecker? now i'm just being bitchy. i am so proud of synge for helping out in a more direct way, by protesting and helping out with people relocated to brooklyn. i wish i could be more selfless and involved like that. i am bored with wedding planning. i feel like i have done as much as i can do for now, and now i just have to wait around until the date is a little closer, when i am sure that i will realize that i have been wasting all of this time and have way more to do that i thought. i am the MOH at my friend R's wedding in just about a month, and right now i am focused on fulfilling all of those duties, and hoping that people show up the shower i'm throwing for her this weekend (no one is rsvp'ing, so i have no idea what to expect). then i feel guilty for even thinking about wedding stuff when there are 100,000 new homeless people in the south.
i have recently discovered that i have seasonal allergies, which sucks, because i have never been allergic to anything before, so i thought i was safe, but apparently you can develop allergies at any time. so now i sneeze a lot and my eyes are constantly itchy because- i'm told- the ragweed is blooming.
and today it looks like winter, but it is september and way too early to be winter, even here in the cold cold north, and if it IS winter already that means i have almost eight months of cold grey weather, weight gain and the blues to look forward to and I AM JUST NOT READY!!!!
can you tell that my period is right around the corner?
i am also (surprise, surprise) having school and career doubts again. will i ever figure out what i want to do with my life??? my therapist tells me that i don't need to have everything figured out right now, that i will know what's right for me when i am ready, that i am exactly where i need to be right now, and i need to stop being so hard on myself. and i can buy that, most of the time, and it is very comforting, but then old habits of worrying and pressuring myself pop up. i have been talking about the writing thing, but whenever i am between classes i never have the discipline to make myself write on a daily basis, so i wonder about my devotion. and i am not sure if journalism is the right thing for me; i may be too emotional or too loose in my writing style for straight reporting. and if i go for a masters in creative non-ficiton or fiction instead, well that doesn't leave me any more employable than i am now, except that i could teach at a community college, but do i want to do that or would i be any good at it or would i even be able to find a job doing that anyway?
as you can see, i am a jumbled, hormonal mess.
thpppppppppppppppppptttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!
thanks for listening, if you made it to the end, you deserve a medal. seriously, you are a saint, go out and buy yourself an ice cream or something.
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2 comments:
Actually, to teach at the community college here you need a masters PLUS I think 16 credits. And I have not been able to teach a creative writing class. Everybody wants to teach those classes. I teach freshman comp. Stick with journalism unless you'd just be doing fiction or non-fiction for the sheer love of it.
health insurance is a giant corporate bullshit racket. unfortunately, we'll never get national health care and big business will continue to take over absolutely every aspect of our lives. halliburton will get the no-bid contract for managing our population growth rate (set to quadruple once they begin to legislate our bodies) and taking care of our poor (since we've done such an excellent job of ensuring they can never rise out of poverty as is - once halliburton takes over, it will be a more efficient and streamlined vicious circle, lining the corporate coffers in the process...). ugh. i'm sorry you had to be yet another casualty of the fucked up system. all i can say is you're dealing with liars, cheaters, and thieves...a little lie back won't kill ya.
yeah, i've been sick to my stomach (literally- its been really bad) since katrina hit. i feel powerless as an individual to create the changes necessary to mend the gigantic tear in the fabric of our classict and racist society, which can no longer be hidden behind some scraggly iron on patches. i am so deeply ashamed of our government, of our self serving apathy, of our ingrained cultural mores that allow us to ignore the huge problem of poverty while wasting food, resources and money in our own lives with no thought or regard to anyone else. i am ashamed and heartbroken, on a deeply personal level. and i have to find a way to reconcile that, while i still have some semblance of a digestive track intact.
re: seasonal allergies, i feel your pain sister. umm...claritin works decently - acupuncture is supposedly incredibly helpful too. sit in the steamy shower and inhale the steam, and drink plenty of water. i spend the majority of my life incredibly snot ridden...there's no cure, but the above things help make it more managable.
baby, we're all jumbled messes. i keep saying i feel like i'm a little kid playing adult- faking my way through life. but the truth is, everyone is kind of in the same boat...we're all these giant jumbled confused messes, you're just ahead of teh game for acknowledging it. i agree with your therapist, you don't have to make any decisions right now. its okay to just be in the moment- in fact its ideal. i care more about your quality of life than i do the contents therein...meaning make each moment count and happy. that is your goal right now. your goals can expand in the future, but right now, that's yuor primary responsibility (reworded advice given to me taht you just may perhaps recognize).
you can be brilliant at anything you choose, don't rush the choice. i have unshakable faith in you.
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