and i'm not Jewish OR Catholic...

why do i always feel so guilty? even when i am completely innocent, or at least guilty of nothing more than doing something for myself, i feel totally and utterly stricken with guilt. sick with it. to the point that i write long, guilt-stricken letters to people that i'm not even close friends with, just so that they won't hate me or think i'm a bad person. and, i stress, people i'm not even close friends with. why do i feel this constant need to solve everyone's problems, make everyone happy, and generally try to save the day?

i need to get over this. i need to realize that i will never be able to make everyone happy. full stop. end of story.

so here's the beginning of the story: a girl i work with asked me to pick up a shift for her next month. she is going out of town and misjudged the dates of her trip when she put in her schedule request, so she is scheduled to work one day that she'll be gone. i told her i'd probably be able to work, but i'd have to check. i checked, and, sure enough, that is the day that i was planning to go to 'movies in the park', a big outdoor film festival held on tuesdays in july and august. it runs several tuesdays, but that week's film is the only one i am interested in seeing- 'the hustler', with paul newman. J and i go to movies in the park every summer, it's one of our traditional summer outings, and sad as that may be, it's a big deal to me. so i stupidly told my co-worker that i couldn't work because i really wanted to go to movies in the park that night. silly me, i didn't just lie and say i had something i couldn't get out of that night, i told the truth. bad move. she kind of huffed away, saying nevermind, and mumbling something about how no one ever covers hers shifts. beyond that, another guy we work with, someone i actually consider a friend, already told her he would work if she couldn't find anyone else- he wanted to be a last resort because his dad and little sisters are in town that night. i, of course, immediatly felt crippled with guilt. why? because i didn't give up my own plans and my own night off to help out a co-worker- no, make that TWO co-workers, one of which is a friend.

and now i feel like an evil, evil, EVIL bitch.

so i wrote this co-worker an email (even worse, i'm a PASSIVE evil bitch), telling her of my overwhelming guilt, my future willingness to help her out in any other situation that i can, and calling myself all sorts of bad names. she wrote me back: "Not your problem. I'll be home in California so I won't be working that day anyway. I'll just be more careful about when I work for other people from now on."

man. talk about salt on the wound.

so my question is this- why do i feel so guilty? i am not killing her family, causing her bodily harm, emptying her bank account or otherwise hurting her in any way. i made her no promises, and i have absolutley no obligation to work- it's my rightful, scheduled day off. and this girl is not even my friend. she won't have to work- essentially the shift is covered. i even called around for her to see if i could persuade someone else to work- did her job for her, technically. as she said herself (though snarkily):THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

but still the guilt persists. if it wasn't too repetitious, i would say this is yet another sign that i need therapy. guilt complex, irrational need to please others, probably because of something my parents did or did not do...

dammit- i get all of the guilt of religion, with none of the comfort.

(totally off the guilt subject: if you're looking for news from my iowa city workshop experience, read below. i actually used links, and i'm pretty proud of myself)