enough already

so, here i am again, for the second time in six months, on a last minute trip to maryland, waiting for a grandparent to "let nature take it's course". my grandfather is in the process of "letting go" (so many cheesy phrases for death, so little tolerance for phrases in "quotes"...), and i am here, along with my family, waiting for it to happen. his son died three years ago, his wife of 65 years died in november, and he will have been on this earth for 92 years as of august, so i guess it's only fair that he should want out. i can't even truly be sad for any other reason than my own selfish sense of loss; he's lonely, he's old, and he's ready to go- of course he doesn't want to "keep going" under those circumstances. i love him, and i will miss him, but i would never want him to keep living just to make me or anyone else in my family happy.

but to get to the real point: enough already! i'm sick of going to funerals! i'm sick of my family dying! i could do just fine with a decade or two break from hushed voices, sad church services and sprinkling ashes. i get it, okay- people die, life is fleeting, nobody's safe. I GET IT!! can't i just get a break for a while? can't i not cringe whenever i get a late night or early morning phone call from the east coast? can't everyone just live for a while? i need a break, i really really do. i can't even cry anymore, i just feel numb.

death sucks. i think that pretty much sums up what i want to say. it just sucks.