enough already

so, here i am again, for the second time in six months, on a last minute trip to maryland, waiting for a grandparent to "let nature take it's course". my grandfather is in the process of "letting go" (so many cheesy phrases for death, so little tolerance for phrases in "quotes"...), and i am here, along with my family, waiting for it to happen. his son died three years ago, his wife of 65 years died in november, and he will have been on this earth for 92 years as of august, so i guess it's only fair that he should want out. i can't even truly be sad for any other reason than my own selfish sense of loss; he's lonely, he's old, and he's ready to go- of course he doesn't want to "keep going" under those circumstances. i love him, and i will miss him, but i would never want him to keep living just to make me or anyone else in my family happy.

but to get to the real point: enough already! i'm sick of going to funerals! i'm sick of my family dying! i could do just fine with a decade or two break from hushed voices, sad church services and sprinkling ashes. i get it, okay- people die, life is fleeting, nobody's safe. I GET IT!! can't i just get a break for a while? can't i not cringe whenever i get a late night or early morning phone call from the east coast? can't everyone just live for a while? i need a break, i really really do. i can't even cry anymore, i just feel numb.

death sucks. i think that pretty much sums up what i want to say. it just sucks.

Told you so...

see, i said i was fickle- i haven't written a post in almost a month, and as far as the other interests i mentioned previously, well, let's just say that i'm wearing clothes from ann taylor loft, i'm buying my lunch today, and it would be a miracle if i went to the gym this week. i do still check bluelines pretty frequently though...

today is J's birthday, and i'm feeling like a failure of a wife, as i don't think he's having a particularly great one. we went out of town with friends this weekend to watch some baseball, and then last night i organized a dinner with the same friends to celebrate (he has to work tonight, unfortunately) and gave him his present (tickets to see the dahli lama speak when he's in town next month). but he was in a funk all last night, and now i'm paranoid that he didn't have any fun. i know that's more his stuff than mine (he's an introspective one, my guy, and tends to get morose around his birthday), but i still feel like i've let him down. will i ever stop feeling the need to please everyone, all the time? when did it become an accepted truth for me that it is my sole responsibility to make everyone happy, all the time, even at my own expense?

sheesh- fickle AND a whiny bitch; this self-discovery thing is not really going my way...