11

today my alarm clock didn't go off- even though i am sure that i set it before i went to bed- and i overslept by about 20 minutes. when i did wake up and notice the time, i sprang out of bed and ran to the shower, jumping in even before the water had heated up all the way, "damn!"ing and "fuck!"ing the whole time. how could i have overslept when i knew that i needed to catch the train today so that J could study for his psychology class? as i was standing under the luke warm water, J poked his head in and said that he could drive me to work and just take his psych quizzes later in the day; after a few feeble protests, i thanked him (grateful for such a calm and patient husband) and calmed down a bit, realizing that i had just gained back the lost twenty minutes. i relaxed into my morning shower, enjoying the now warmer water and the extra "me" time.

standing there under the shower, my mind began to wander, and then, out of nowhere, i remembered what day it is. at first it was just a thought, just passing through my head, one i've had before, for such a long time now, that i didn't really focus on it. but for some reason it stopped there, and hung there, and for the first time in a long time i really realized that it has been 11 years. and it hit me, like it hasn't hit me in a long time, and my spine felt heavy and my mind felt fuzzy and suddenly i felt sick, and tired, and sad, and standing there under the water was the only place in the world that i wanted to be.

i got out of the shower and went about my business: dried my hair, brushed my teeth, put lotion on my face. and it was still there, like a film or a weight, but i had to get ready for work, i was still running late, and i went to get dressed, waking J up and asking him how he slept. as i thought of what i would wear today, i remembered the silver earrings that were hers, the one's i thought i had lost after christmas but then found again in february, on the day of her birthday in fact, and that J had said she returned to me as a present. i went to the kitchen to fix breakfast and find something to take for lunch. i wasn't hungry, but i made myself fix a bowl of oatmeal, because not eating now, today, seemed so silly and melodramatic, and i'd surely be hungry by lunch time. there was nothing to take for lunch, so i decided to grab something from the cafeteria at work. i ripped open the packet of oatmeal and poured in the milk and set the microwave for 2 minutes and 40 seconds.

i went back to the bedroom and woke J up again- 'we have to leave in ten minutes'- and got dressed quickly. i put on the earrings and my silver locket with her picture (though i never open it to look anymore), and looked in the mirror and noticed that it was too much silver, too close together, but i had to wear them both today, so oh well. i put on my socks- would she have liked the black socks with the butterflies?- and my boots and grabbed my school work from beside the computer in the office, so that i could work on it today at work.

i looked for a twenty dollar bill that i'd had yesterday, going through all of my pants pockets and jacket pockets and even the pockets of my purse that i hadn't been carrying, and i got annoyed that i couldn't find it, mad that i'd possibly lost it- how could i be so careless, so wasteful? as i went back to check the jeans pockets again, i called to J that we needed to get going, then checked again in the pockets for the bill i knew by now i must have lost. J assured me that he hadn't seen it, and that i hadn't spent it yesterday, but that it was 'sure to turn up'; how stupid, i thought, to say that something that was surely lost would just 'turn up'.

i grabbed the bowl of oatmeal as we were walking out the door. walking onto the porch i noticed that it was raining, and i rushed ahead of J down the stairs, not wanting to wait for him.

in the car i noticed the rain again, and thought to myself that it was appropriate. then i thought how on my wedding day rain had been hailed as a blessing, so why should it seem so different now? i looked at the raindrops on the window and felt silly and self-indulgent. i didn't say anything to J. what could he do? he always gets uncomfortable when i bring it up- he doesn't understand, can't relate, it frustrates him that he can't fix it-so why make both of us feel bad. i turned my face away from him and cried, just a little, and suddenly wanted to call in sick to work and curl up on the couch all day and cry and cry and scream, but that would be even more silly, and useless, so i kept my face turned and didn't say a word.

i still want to go home. she would think i was being melodramatic. it's been 11 years- i want to tell everyone and no one- 11 years. i wish that i knew more people who would understand why this day matters, really understand and relate. i wish that i thought about her more often, that i remembered her more. i wish it was just a monday, a rainy monday in march and not this ridiculous, self-indulgent, self-inflicted anniversary that makes me want to throw up and curl up and hide, that makes my mind feel heavy and blurred and useless. that makes me feel like a child, a lost little child, an orphan.

but i'm not a child. and i don't have time to hide. and today is just a rainy monday in march, and i have work to do.