no, i do want to write about it now. i am not happy. well, that's not entirely true; i love my boyfriend/fiancee/whatever (let's just call him J) very much and he is my best friend, and our relationship is wonderful, and i am happy that i am back in the habit of going to the gym, but other than that, i am just not very satisfied with my life right now. i don't have any friends. not other than J, and not any here in town anyway, and though that is all entirely my own fault, because i am distant and shy and cowardly and REALLY bad at making new friends, it still sucks. i mean i do have a few friends, but not many, and i miss having a close group of girlfriends. i miss girl nights. i have my friend R, but she is busy running a major comedy theatre and being a stepmom and is hardly ever free, and i have my other 'friend' Sunshine, but she is really negative and makes me feel bad about myself, and i have a few other friends, but they are not really close friends like i used to have. i miss being able to call someone up in the middle of the night to go get ice cream or get drunk or jump in fountains or drive to the beach, and no one could do that now anyway because everyone is all grown up and has a real job and responsibilites and all that stuff. and that leads me to my second major whining point: i hate my job, and i want to know what the hell i am going to do with my life. i want a career, or at least career ambtitions. all i have is a bunch of half-explored paths and a totally useless theatre degree. i feel like my whole life has been about 'what am i going to do with my life THIS week?' be an actor? a waitress? a singer? a writer? a party planner? a yoga instructor? work in non-profits? WHAT??? i might as well start saying i want to be an astronaut or a ballerina when i grow up- i might want to NEXT week! (though honestly, the ballerina thing would never work with my boobs) i just feel like i'm drifting. i feel like my relationship and getting married is the only thing i have going for me right now, and i never wanted that to be all i had going for me. i want ME to be going for me. but going where? and with what friends? i miss my old friends and my old friendships. aw hell, you guys are the only ones who read this anyway, so let's just say i miss you guys. i know it has been a long time, and i know everyone tried to keep in touch with me and i was never very good at it, but it was never because i didn't think of you guys or miss you. i am just scatterbrained and lazy, i get off track easily, maybe i'm ADD like my dad. and i know it was all so long ago, and everyone has their own lives now. and i know that we are still friends, sort of, but i just feel like all of you have stayed so close and i let myself drift away, and i guess lately i really regret that. i hope i can still come back, still try to be better about keeping in touch and checking in. i know it will never be like high school, and i'm not even saying i would want that, i just miss having such a really close group of friends around. emails and the occasional phone call are nice, but i miss late night coffee and board games. i get so jealous when i read Synge's posts about hanging out with MAH and her Viddipookins (or whatever the nickname is, i know who it is) and other old friends, and when i read about everyone visiting eachother for the weekend. i barely get to see my family- they're so spread out and far away, and none of them ever come to visit me- and i wish i could come to visit everyone, but it's just so hard.
i'm sorry to anyone who happens to read this. like i said, i am just feeling poopy and lonely and feeling sorry for myself. and i'm on my period, that's a big part of it, i'm sure. i love chicago, but i miss the east coast. i love J, but i miss my friends. kristoise told me when i got engaged never to 'act like a married woman' and stop going out with my girlfriends. i don't want to. but what if i don't have any girlfriends?
(sorry again for the whining- can't you just hear the nasal tones? being moody sucks)
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5 comments:
Little Orphan Annie-
I feel the way you described ALL the time. And I don't even have a J like figure in my life to comfort me. Oh well, such is life. We all miss you. I miss you. I wish we had more time in Chicago. Synge and I wanted to come for a vist, but I'm not sure how feasible that is with her current job situation. Maybe I'll come alone. Will you put me up? Or why don't you come visit? Anyway, you are missed and loved and adored.
xo
MAH
thank you so much MAH. i know i was whining, but it is nice to hear that i am missed. i wish we could have visited longer too (we got back the pictures we took that night and there is a really funny one of you trying to bite my boob). and i would certianly put you up and take you aout and show you a good time if you came to visit. or i was really thinking about coming out to visit you guys. but thank you. that means a lot. (oh! and aren't you so glad that jay won project runway! he so needed to leave that tiny PA town. R got me addicted to it- i can't believe that wendy bitch made it so far!)
i don't have time to go into the long overly verbose comment i'd like to, but i figure we'd be talking on the phone this weekend anyway probably.
what i have to say is kind of what MAH said. We all feel like that sometimes. And while I may see MAH and Vidipookikins (which is about the only thing that keeps me sane) I have had one real relationship in my life, am about to be unemployed, and feel up in th air just about most of the time.
Though I don't think your theatre degree is useless, thank you very much.
Point being we all long for the past, we all get scared of the future, and we all can see what's lacking in the present far easier than we can see what's actually there.
Sporadic contact clearly cannot shred a friendship, and while we can't run and jump in fountains in the middle of the night due to distance, we can call eachother at 3am when upset and not feel bad about it. That's what's the most important, and many people do not have that.
Do I wish I could see you and have girls night and be totally spontaneous? Fuck yeah. But as that's just not possible, I'm thoroughly overjoyed and eternally grateful that I know you love me and fight for me and are still there to pick me up when I fall.
Know what I mean?
okay, so that wasn't so short winded...i will probably never grasp the concept of brevity, and you have to put up with me as is.
I don't have any friends here. Yeah now I REALLY don't have any friends because they all got themselves knocked up and stayed that way but me. And don't feel bad because I am theoretically talking to you and that cannot be said of everyone. I feel like that all the time. You aren't alone in feeling that way. And by the way, I don't have any responsibilities. So if you would like to move home I can do fun stuff with you all the time. But I don't think you're going to do that.
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